News from Paddington, 2015-10-31

@mildbyte (RSS) on Oct. 31, 2015 (3 years, 1 month ago)

Tags: paddington | writing



Hi, Chicken Cottage on Praed Street here. It's been two days now since I've seen News from Paddington and I haven...

(loud thud, scuffling)

It's time for the vacation edition of News from Paddington, named like that because News from Paddington suddenly realised it has unspent vacation days which will expire at the end of the year!

Meet Steve (name picked at random) whose conversations with his friend News from Paddington overheard as it was walking past them. Steve is a Paddington native and provides multiple valuable insights into Paddington real estate:

"(points at St Mary's Hospital) Meet the ugliest hospital in the world."
"(points at two abandoned dock warehouses by the Paddington Basin) Fuck knows what's in these derelict buildings, but they're probably worth a fortune."

News from Paddington met a Zen master the other day on the Tube. News from Paddington was standing with its back towards the door between the carriages. Some kids asked News from Paddington how to get to Leicester Square, to which News from Paddington responded and continued its journey.

Then News from Paddington heard an "excuse me, can I get through here?" behind it and was surprised to find out that a fat, door-sized kid had opened the door between the carriages (whose main feature is a massive warning sign saying "EMERGENCY USE ONLY RISK OF DEATH IF USED WHILE TRAIN IS MOVING", and yes, the train was moving), walked into the carriage and asked his friends, "Are we there yet?", to which they responded "Nope, two more stops."

Not satisfied with his display of not-giving-a-fuck, the Zen master said "Okay, see you soon!" and left the carriage the same way he came in.

News from Paddington went to Canary Wharf! Canary Wharf is like Singapore meets John Galt. It's like Poplar meets Isle of Dogs. It's like skyscrapers meet sky. It's like Costa meets Starbucks. It's like Charles Tyrwhitt meets Paul Smith. Since most of the buildings in Canary Wharf, including a residential one, are joined together with an underground mall, it is entirely possible to, without ever going outside, be born here, live here, do grocery shopping in a nearby Waitrose, work in one of the several banks, perhaps get married here, have kids here, retire here... When the apocalypse finally strikes, Canary Wharf will just seal itself from the external world and everybody in there will be safe, assuming they're not scared of LIBOR rigging.

Food with News from Paddington, sponsored by News from Paddington's wallet. "News from Paddington's wallet! Please, no more!"

  • Billy's Steak and Grillhouse in South Kensington, run by people who claim everywhere on the menu that their steaks are the best. The burger did have a distinctly Eastern European taste. The £3 portion of Coke poured out from one single can did rival whisky in its price-per-millilitre ratio. Three Paddington points out of five.
  • Ippudo in Canary Wharf. Ippudo's headquarters are, apparently, at St Giles Square opposite Kanada-Ya and News from Paddington's coworker strongly expressed his preference for Kanada-Ya instead of Ippudo, but Ippudo wasn't that bad. Three Paddington points out of five and another half a point for "wow, I've just ordered this one minute ago and it's already here, I know it's lunchtime but I don't work here and I'm not in a hurry, honestly".
  • Grazing Goat in Marylebone. How do you know people around you are rich? If you're in the Grazing Goat on a weekday at about 11am and people around you are wearing dress shirts, vests and suits and are talking about "marketing [their] offering better" instead of being at work, then they're rich. Oh, and the burger was really good too. It had like some black cheese or something. Five Paddington points out of five.
  • Trinity College Great Hall at Trinity College. Dubbed by some to be the "best food that side of Royston, assuming you can't go anywhere else", it served a Halloween dinner last Friday, which consisted of blood pudding, duck with some pumpkins (of course) and some dessert which News from Paddington doesn't remember anymore because the Hall also served lots of wine and sherry and port and oh then there was someone's birthday party and then there was a Cards Against Humanity game and absinthe and the other absinthe and oh the vegetarian main course was some minced pumpkin inside a big pumpkin. Twelve Paddington points out of five. Under no distress, News from Paddington's liver would like to extend its thanks to they know whom for making this happen and claims that it would like to do it again at some point.



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