News from Paddington, 2015-09-25

@mildbyte (RSS) on Sept. 25, 2015 (3 years, 2 months ago)

Tags: paddington | writing



"Hi, we're from the ONS and we're surveying people's preferences in mass media. Do you have a..."
"News from Paddington."
"Sorry?"
"News from Paddington."
"Okay, and how about..."
"News from Paddington."
"Great, umm, okay, can I have your name and address please? It's so that we can cross-reference the..."
"I'm Chicken Cottage."
"Chicken... Cottage? Is that your... "
"Praed Street."

Straight from the edge of the world, not where rich people live, but not from the outside of London where actual Londoners live either, where cultures clash, smoke from shisha pipes and roars from Lamborghinis and Bentleys with Kuwait license plates fill the streets, it's News from... Paddington again! Yes, it turns out that Edgware Road is in fact part of Paddington. News from Paddington is currently in the process of claiming a refund from Chicken Cottage Consultancy Services.

  • News from Paddington made another friend! This time it's an unnamed Italian guy who works in ChoZen Noodle on Saturdays. He knows News from Paddington so well that even when News from Paddington walks down the street, he waves at News from Paddington through the window! And News from Paddington waves back! And is considering not walking past the store anymore because it's too awkward!
  • After News from Paddington had a haircut, it noticed people started taking it more seriously. The security guard at Moss Bros on Oxford Street said "come in, sir" after News from Paddington accidentally made eye contact with him while walking past the store. News from Paddington had to come in, browse around and go out again.
  • News from Paddington bought some cutlery. It later turned out that the cutlery was not for sale to persons under 18 years. Nobody asked if News from Paddington was over 18 years.
  • News from Paddington bought some rum. The cashier at Waitrose took off the security tag without even looking at News from Paddington's passport in front of his eyes. News from Paddington now has scientific proof that rich people who shop at Waitrose look much younger than News from Paddington.
  • Taking out the trash with News from Paddington! 1) take your bag 2) put it next to the bus stop 3) if somebody complains, say "I pay council tax!" 4) pay council tax
  • News from Paddington met the first female occupant of its "student" accommodation! It was a middle-aged woman who decided to go out to the bathroom at the same time (~2am) as News from Paddington. News from Paddington never believed in love less than it does now.

More culinary adventures!

  • News from Paddington thought it had invented a cocktail. Add 1 part rum to 4 parts Ceylon tea. Call the cocktail "Elephant in the rum". It's probably really good! Sadly, somebody has already thought of mixing tea and rum. But their naming skills are much worse.
  • A burrito from Chilango on King William Street that wasn't rolled properly and fell apart when News from Paddington tried to eat it. It's not really good!
  • Little Four Seasons in Chinatown! It's a restaurant! And the manager even picked News from Paddington out of the queue and served it himself! Was it because News from Paddington went with a friend? Or because see bullet point 2? In any case, it's really good!

And now, for a very special guest, It's Chicken Cottage from Praed Street!

"Hi, Mr Chicken Cottage! How are y..."
"News from Paddington."
"Thank you, Mr Chicken Cottage! And h..."
"It's really good!"
"..."



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